Tuesday, November 14, 2006


(Click on Pictures for a Bigger Version)
Well, I say we get straight back into the action: Of course, the noise at the far end of the table was caused by none other than the natives' fearsome god, Mighty Joe Kong!!! Having heard the drums he was here for the free buffet (or some Good Lovin', depending on how the mood took him).

But what's this? Something nasty lurking in the bushes? Joe isn't the only one to have responded to the drums.

A pack of hungry-looking "raptors" burst on to the scene, determined to spoil Joe's fun.

(Note to certain personages who shall remain nameless, but you know who you are: The assembled gamers were perfectly aware that the aforementioned beasties are not really Velociraptors, but some kind of Deinonychus, but it is a term which has a nice ring to it, so we chose to indulge in this pleasant fiction of our own free will, and were all perfectly happy to do so. We were merely representing the fauna of Big Monkey Island with the nearest available substitutes, as the real creatures found there are gigantic reptiles of a ferocious nature that in truth are unrelated to dinosaurs but do look a lot like them. Later in the tale is something resembling an Allosaurus, this was almost universally (but not by me) referred to by the company as a T-Rex. While perhaps unacceptable in the context of a convention of Paleontologists, it was not something that unduly bothered any of us, as we were just playing a silly Pulp Adventure. If any Paleontologically-minded TMP members take offense with our wilful ignorance of many years of hard study in that field, I humbly apologise. We meant no harm by it.)

Joe had three actions per turn, and could pick from any on the following list:

PICK UP (small creature, rock, tree, etc)
DROP (Free action, costs no points)
RAGE (Gains D4 Rage Points, more of that later)
GRAPPLE (similar-sized creature)

Seeing a horde of ravenous little monsters heading towards his bride, Joe decided to employ "ROAR." Here we see the Prototype ROAR OF KONG TEMPLATE in use. I had planned to make a more impressive snazzy version but somehow never got around to it.

All caught within the bounds of the ROAR TEMPLATE had to roll on the ROAR TABLE:

1-2 Flee full move away from Roarer
3-4 Frozen in terror for one turn, may take no actions
5-6 No effect

Character models were allowed to make their Hero Save to try and avoid the effects of the Roar.

Pretty good, huh? That sent them packing.


Meanwhile, on the other side of town:

The crew of the SS Denture were locked in a struggle for their very lives. The Director decided to lob his single gas bomb (the sadly-deceased Assistant Director had the rest in his satchel) in an attempt to thwart the very mean-looking War-Chief, who was charging headlong at the sailors.

Unfortunately, he threw like a girl, and had done since High School, where he had been mercilessly teased for it. Nobody was affected by the gas at all. Later it drifted away (wasted my bleedin' time making all them gas templates, didn't I?)

And now the Bridesmaids were returning from their part in the ritual. Things were looking bad for our heroes.

They piled on to the poor Director, filleting him thoroughly. Still, going down under a cloud of half (and three-quarters, in some cases)-naked women? I reckon there's worse ways to go...

Back on the other side of the wall, those pesky Raptors had recovered their nerve...

...And dealt Joe some vicious bites. He decided to fly into a rage. If successful this would give him D4 Rage Points, which could be traded in for extra actions (but only one per turn) or positive modifiers to Die rolls. The fact that they had bitten him gave him a better chance of becoming enraged.

Some more roaring was in order, so this he did, scattering the monsters for a second time.

Approaching poor Pam, Joe gazed into her eyes. He was suddenly pierced by Cupid's Arrow. He decided not to eat her, but invite her home for some coffee. So he scooped her up, and made off with her.

Only to be assailed once more by the raptors.

Biting, scratching, screeching. Joe was dying by inches. Okay, time for the gloves to come off. Enough with this roaring shit, already. Time for some stomping. In short order they were duly stomped. The whole lot of them. Thoroughly stomped.

But Joe was feeling pretty poorly by now, and had lost quite a bit of blood.

But what's this? Not another damn monster? Drawn by the sound of the drums...

...A very big lizard indeed was now on the scene, and hungry for human flesh.

Then, the crack of a rifle. Joe was hit. Seems the Rescue Party had by now machine-gunned all the natives that were left (save for a couple who had run away or hid), and despite taking many casualties, were determined to press on and save Pam. They had climbed the wall and lowered a ladder down to the other side. The Leading Man was now taking pot-shots with his Lee-Enfield, while the Sea Captain had climbed down to come and save Pam.

Joe was not happy, and decided to kill these annoying new interlopers. The Sea Captain quickly changed his mind and ran back up the ladder. The coward.

He forgot all about the Big Lizard and ran towards his new tormentors. Unfortunately, the Big Lizard hadn't forgotten him, and running up behind him, took a huge chunk out of his left arm. It now hung at his side, useless. Joe was looking pretty bad by now, and was injured just about everywhere he could be injured.

Anger had now overcome his lust, so ignoring his victory conditions, Joe tossed Pam aside and leapt at the wall, determined to punish our foolish little heroes.

Splat! Squish! Pound! Stomp!

They didn't stand a chance. Even a weakened Joe was too much for the Rescue Party. The Leading Man was the last to fall.

Now Pam had no Knights in Shining Armour to save her. Despite her best Penelope Pitstop impersonation, nobody arrived, galloping over the hill in the nick of time. The Big Lizard had got his free lunch. He belched, roared and then turned and loped off back into the bush.

Disaster! Pam dead! How could this have happened?

While nobody was looking, Joe had failed his Jump Roll, and came crashing down from the wall.

But now he was loose on the wrong side of the Big Wall, and determined to finish off the last of the crew of the Denture.

He gave chase, as the remains of the Film Crew desperately tried to row away. The last Tommy Gun chattered out in a panicked frenzy...

...And finally, Joe succumbed to his wounds. He had taken some killing, but at the very last he fell.

So, the Sam Peckinpah ending, then. Well, I suppose that's to some peoples' tastes, but it's pretty much put the kibosh on Part Three. Never mind, eh? It was awfully good fun anyway. The only faction to come away with anything was the Film Crew. They had managed to shoot three scenes, but one had not come out (filming was done via a die roll, with a negative modifier for distant subjects). The footage they shot was:

1) Natives in Combat (worth 2 points)
2) Big Monster Fighting Humans (worth 3 points)

Unfortunately the Movie Victory Conditions (remember, they could have opted for the "Capture a Big Beastie" Victory) required 10 points worth of scenes to be shot, so they only had half a movie. Also, with only two of them left they'll probably struggle to sail the ship home.

All in all a bloody disaster for everyone.

But who knows? Perhaps Joe Kong ain't really dead? Perhaps some of the others survived by some scriptwriter's imaginative miracle? Perhaps there is more of this tale to tell? Will there be a sequel? Well that all depends on how well this one does at the Box Office, don't it?