MIGHTY JOE KONG!!! (Part Two)

(Click on Pictures for a Bigger Version)

Well, I say we get straight back into the action: Of course, the noise at the far end of the table was caused by none other than the natives' fearsome god, Mighty Joe Kong!!! Having heard the drums he was here for the free buffet (or some Good Lovin', depending on how the mood took him).

But what's this? Something nasty lurking in the bushes? Joe isn't the only one to have responded to the drums.

A pack of hungry-looking "raptors" burst on to the scene, determined to spoil Joe's fun.

(Note to certain personages who shall remain nameless, but you know who you are: The assembled gamers were perfectly aware that the aforementioned beasties are not really Velociraptors, but some kind of Deinonychus, but it is a term which has a nice ring to it, so we chose to indulge in this pleasant fiction of our own free will, and were all perfectly happy to do so. We were merely representing the fauna of Big Monkey Island with the nearest available substitutes, as the real creatures found there are gigantic reptiles of a ferocious nature that in truth are unrelated to dinosaurs but do look a lot like them. Later in the tale is something resembling an Allosaurus, this was almost universally (but not by me) referred to by the company as a T-Rex. While perhaps unacceptable in the context of a convention of Paleontologists, it was not something that unduly bothered any of us, as we were just playing a silly Pulp Adventure. If any Paleontologically-minded TMP members take offense with our wilful ignorance of many years of hard study in that field, I humbly apologise. We meant no harm by it.)

Joe had three actions per turn, and could pick from any on the following list:

MOVE
JUMP/CLIMB
PICK UP (small creature, rock, tree, etc)
DROP (Free action, costs no points)
RAGE (Gains D4 Rage Points, more of that later)
THROW OBJECT
GRAPPLE (similar-sized creature)
DODGE/PARRY
HIT/STOMP
ROAR

Seeing a horde of ravenous little monsters heading towards his bride, Joe decided to employ "ROAR." Here we see the Prototype ROAR OF KONG TEMPLATE in use. I had planned to make a more impressive snazzy version but somehow never got around to it.

All caught within the bounds of the ROAR TEMPLATE had to roll on the ROAR TABLE:

1-2 Flee full move away from Roarer
3-4 Frozen in terror for one turn, may take no actions
5-6 No effect

Character models were allowed to make their Hero Save to try and avoid the effects of the Roar.

Pretty good, huh? That sent them packing.

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Meanwhile, on the other side of town:

The crew of the SS Denture were locked in a struggle for their very lives. The Director decided to lob his single gas bomb (the sadly-deceased Assistant Director had the rest in his satchel) in an attempt to thwart the very mean-looking War-Chief, who was charging headlong at the sailors.

Unfortunately, he threw like a girl, and had done since High School, where he had been mercilessly teased for it. Nobody was affected by the gas at all. Later it drifted away (wasted my bleedin' time making all them gas templates, didn't I?)

And now the Bridesmaids were returning from their part in the ritual. Things were looking bad for our heroes.

They piled on to the poor Director, filleting him thoroughly. Still, going down under a cloud of half (and three-quarters, in some cases)-naked women? I reckon there's worse ways to go...

Back on the other side of the wall, those pesky Raptors had recovered their nerve...

...And dealt Joe some vicious bites. He decided to fly into a rage. If successful this would give him D4 Rage Points, which could be traded in for extra actions (but only one per turn) or positive modifiers to Die rolls. The fact that they had bitten him gave him a better chance of becoming enraged.

Some more roaring was in order, so this he did, scattering the monsters for a second time.

Approaching poor Pam, Joe gazed into her eyes. He was suddenly pierced by Cupid's Arrow. He decided not to eat her, but invite her home for some coffee. So he scooped her up, and made off with her.

Only to be assailed once more by the raptors.

Biting, scratching, screeching. Joe was dying by inches. Okay, time for the gloves to come off. Enough with this roaring shit, already. Time for some stomping. In short order they were duly stomped. The whole lot of them. Thoroughly stomped.

But Joe was feeling pretty poorly by now, and had lost quite a bit of blood.

But what's this? Not another damn monster? Drawn by the sound of the drums...

...A very big lizard indeed was now on the scene, and hungry for human flesh.

Then, the crack of a rifle. Joe was hit. Seems the Rescue Party had by now machine-gunned all the natives that were left (save for a couple who had run away or hid), and despite taking many casualties, were determined to press on and save Pam. They had climbed the wall and lowered a ladder down to the other side. The Leading Man was now taking pot-shots with his Lee-Enfield, while the Sea Captain had climbed down to come and save Pam.

Joe was not happy, and decided to kill these annoying new interlopers. The Sea Captain quickly changed his mind and ran back up the ladder. The coward.

He forgot all about the Big Lizard and ran towards his new tormentors. Unfortunately, the Big Lizard hadn't forgotten him, and running up behind him, took a huge chunk out of his left arm. It now hung at his side, useless. Joe was looking pretty bad by now, and was injured just about everywhere he could be injured.

Anger had now overcome his lust, so ignoring his victory conditions, Joe tossed Pam aside and leapt at the wall, determined to punish our foolish little heroes.

Splat! Squish! Pound! Stomp!

They didn't stand a chance. Even a weakened Joe was too much for the Rescue Party. The Leading Man was the last to fall.

Now Pam had no Knights in Shining Armour to save her. Despite her best Penelope Pitstop impersonation, nobody arrived, galloping over the hill in the nick of time. The Big Lizard had got his free lunch. He belched, roared and then turned and loped off back into the bush.

Disaster! Pam dead! How could this have happened?

While nobody was looking, Joe had failed his Jump Roll, and came crashing down from the wall.

But now he was loose on the wrong side of the Big Wall, and determined to finish off the last of the crew of the Denture.

He gave chase, as the remains of the Film Crew desperately tried to row away. The last Tommy Gun chattered out in a panicked frenzy...

...And finally, Joe succumbed to his wounds. He had taken some killing, but at the very last he fell.

So, the Sam Peckinpah ending, then. Well, I suppose that's to some peoples' tastes, but it's pretty much put the kibosh on Part Three. Never mind, eh? It was awfully good fun anyway. The only faction to come away with anything was the Film Crew. They had managed to shoot three scenes, but one had not come out (filming was done via a die roll, with a negative modifier for distant subjects). The footage they shot was:

1) Natives in Combat (worth 2 points)
2) Big Monster Fighting Humans (worth 3 points)

Unfortunately the Movie Victory Conditions (remember, they could have opted for the "Capture a Big Beastie" Victory) required 10 points worth of scenes to be shot, so they only had half a movie. Also, with only two of them left they'll probably struggle to sail the ship home.

All in all a bloody disaster for everyone.

But who knows? Perhaps Joe Kong ain't really dead? Perhaps some of the others survived by some scriptwriter's imaginative miracle? Perhaps there is more of this tale to tell? Will there be a sequel? Well that all depends on how well this one does at the Box Office, don't it?

MIGHTY JOE KONG!!! (Part One)

A battle report from last week's game night: The SS Denture has arrived at Big Monkey Island, carrying a film crew bent on making a sensational motion picture about the strange wildlife and natives reputed to live there.

The unfriendly natives take it upon themselves to kidnap Miss Pam Sparrow, leading lady of the production, and carry her off for their own nefarious purposes. It would appear she is to be the new bride of their wicked God, or perhaps his lunch (There seems to be some confusion in the translation). A party from the steamer vow to save her from this fate (whichever it is), while the film crew tag along to document events.

(Click on pictures for a larger version)

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The SS Denture and her crew. Two players controlled them, each with his own objectives.

The Film Crew. The Camera Man, the Assistant Director and The Director, plus two Tommy-Gun-toting Sailors as security. Their objective is to make a movie. They receive Victory Points for shooting exciting and interesting scenes (more on that in Part Two). If for whatever reason it is impossible for the film to be completed (say the camera and footage is destroyed) then they must try and capture alive one of the fabled giant beasts of the island, to bring back to Civilisation for exhibition. The Assistant Director carries in his pack five gas grenades for this purpose.

The Rescue Party. Consisting of The Sea Captain, The Leading Man, and three Tommy-Gun-toting sailors. Their objective is simple: Rescue Pam!

The third party was the Native Villagers. Their objective is to complete the Marriage Ritual, then escort their Prisoner/Bride/Lunch to the appointed place, where she will be left for her new husband to find her. He will know when to come as the drums will signal him. The natives believe this ritual will placate their god enough to stop him eating them all.

The Native Units: 10 Warriors, 10 Bridesmaids, 6 Archers in scary masks, 2 Gate Keeper Priests, 2 Drummers, 1 Preistess, 1 War Chief and 1 King plus entourage.

They must hold off the rescuers for long enough to complete the ritual dance, and escort Pam to her wedding on the other side of the Big Gate. The ritual dance was simulated by playing the Um Bongo theme on my iPod while the Rescuers took their turn. When we ran out of Um Bongo music then the ritual was complete. No one but the GM (that's to say THE GOD as our gang call him) knew how long it would take for the music to run out.

If you need the Um Bongo music for your own game it can be downloaded here.

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So the game began. Here we see the players during a brief pause in the action. Chronoglide and Sickly are locked in a fierce argument over which of them is the more METAL. Meanwhile WakeyDave quietly chuckles to himself at the pop culture reference hovering over Sickly's head.

The wicked natives began their sensual dance around their bewildered (but slightly aroused) captive.

While the Bridesmaids continued the ritual dance, the warriors rushed to intercept the outsiders, whose boats had been spotted heading towards the village.

The Rescuers made landfall first. A unit of natives, strangely wary of their guns (even though they had never seen any before) took cover behind a hut and waited to rush them.

Which they then proceeded to do! The Tommy-guns chattered without result, and the first sailors to get out of the boat were overwhelmed.

Then a desperate struggle took place in the boat, as it seemed the natives were unstoppable! Actually, they weren't. The heroic Captain and Leading Man eventually cut them down to size, but it did look like it could go either way for a minute. Two sailors had been killed, though. The rescue party now seemed a little too depleted to complete its task.

Meanwhile, the ritual had finally finished (We had run out of Um Bongo music).

So the drummers began signalling to their god.

And the Bridal Procession/Lunch Queue began to make its way to the appointed place. The Great Gates opened...

Pam was taken to the sacred spot and fastened in place (the gun in her hand was just a movie prop, explaining why she hadn't used it to escape).

Back at the beach, the Film Crew had made landfall and were now wading ashore. Here the Tommy-Gun splattered out leaden death on all sides, and so their landing was much easier than that of the rescuers. The native reception committee here was wiped out in a somewhat one-sided cultural exchange.

The Camera Man was rolling the whole time, and so hopefully had some good footage of the action that they could use later.

Then they started taking potshots at the archers on the wall. Outranged, they descended to ground level to engage their foe. One arrow found its mark, snuggling comfortably into the Assistant Director's squishy insides. As he fell he killed his own slayer with a shot from his trusty revolver.

The Bridesmaids, having discharged their duty, made their way back to the gate. Just in time, as all the warriors had been gunned down by now, though the War Chief, the King and a handful of Archers still remained.

The landing parties from the Denture had lost three men. They were still a long way from rescuing Pam, and the Bridesmaids were returning to further block their path.

Furthermore, judging by the noise coming from the far end of the table, something had responded to the drums. What was it? The Groom? Wedding-Crashers? Would Pam be rescued in time or would she be the on the buffet table at the wedding feast? Would the Evil Island God agree to a pre-nupt? Find out next time...

LOST WORLDS

Things have taken a decidedly monstrous turn here at Schloss Plynkes lately, folks, with all kinds of scary beasties roaming about the place. The best of them are presented here, ladies and gentlemen, for your entertainment :

(Click on the pictures for a larger image)

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Before the advent of the Depth Charge, the Convoy System and the Q-Ship, the Kaiser's Ubootwaffe had little to fear. Only that traditional foe of the mariner, the SEA MONSTER gave them any cause to worry. (Do you like my sloppy David Hockney water effects?)

Here those dastardly baby-killing Huns have finally got their come-uppance. I'm not sure exactly what is administering said come-uppance. One half of Silent Movie era comedy double-act Scylla and Charybdis, perhaps? (I can never remember which is which) Or possibly the Kraken?

Oh, I don't bloody know. It's so difficult to tell these days. For my money it was the beginning of the sad decline of Jane's Fighting Ships when they stopped including Sea Monsters in their monthly updates.

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Now something I feel I owe our old mate Pete, by way of compensation for a throw-away remark I once made on TMP comparing him to a certain character from that awful sitcom FRIENDS, just because of his consuming passion for dinosaurs and other prehistoric fauna. So here he is, depicted in a more heroic light:

Remember this TV show from the 80s? It was grand, and featured the well known paleontologist and rules-writer in a variety of exciting adventures with unconvincing rubber monsters, or iguanas with bits of plastic taped to their backs.

Remember this episode from Season Three? The one when Mr. T guest-starred? It was one of my favourites, but most aficionados of the series consider it the moment when the show Jumped The Shark. A succession of guest appearances were tried to stop the steady ratings decline. Rock bottom was hit when Mel Tormé and Boy George appeared on the show and sang a duet of "Islands in the Stream" together. It was cancelled soon afterwards.

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Don't shoot! They don't mean any harm!

See? He just wants his tummy tickled!

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I predict this match will end badly.

Told you!

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Do I look bothered?

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Now for a Lost Worlds game you've got to have a tramp steamer. So here, in three easy steps, we transform a German lake gunboat into something more worthy of a voyage of discovery.

Take one Prinzessin Charlotte,

Swap out the flag, replace the guns with packing crates, and the crew of sausage-guzzlers for slightly dodgy-looking Merchant Marine Ne'er-do-wells,

Et Voila! The erstwhile Terror of the Tanganyikasee becomes the S.S. Denture. Ready for a voyage to Big Monkey Island to make a major motion picture.

Some Test shots of the star of the picture, Miss Pam Sparrow, on the way to the Island.

"Don't Worry Pam! It's called Big Monkey Island to distinguish it from its smaller neighbour, Little Monkey Island. Would I lie to you?"

Arrival at Big Monkey Island.

The other side of the scary big wall.

Oh look, some kind of quaint local ceremony. Take some footage, boys.

Um, they seem to have got Pam. Shouldn't we be stopping them?

I don't like the look of those scary guys on the wall...

What on earth are they going to do with her?

Tune in next time, for

MIGHTY JOE KONG!
(Eight-and-a-Halfth Wonder of the World!)

Joe and Pam at their screen-test.
Below: Joe gets acquainted with Al the Allosaurus.
See you next time...

Other Plynkes Lost World fun:
The Land That Time Ignored
Biggles in the Valley of the Terror-Lizards